Sleepless nights

I will be a full year nearer my grave next week Monday. I am sure I am not the only one who is going through the phase that I am going through this week.

Over the week I have not been able to sleep till about 4am or so. I walk around my flat and I keep thinking I have let life pass me by. What have I done with my life! I so want my last twenty years back.

Professionally I am pleased with my achievements. Personally, not so. It is the usual case of working too hard and not stopping.

I had to do what I did, to get out of the rut I was in. I say to myself why did I not have balance in my life? I probably could have achieved far more by doing this.

Of course I know I cannot turn the clock back. At the same time, I am going through a phase of self-reflection and certain amount of disappointment.

Believe me I have read the more than my fair share of self-help books combined with 100s of motivational quotes. All these do not make a difference in the long term. They are like a drug, they make you feel better for a short time. Than it is back to reality.

I am pleased that I do not have any problems with my heath. How long will that last?

I do not like going out so much anymore. I am fed up of seeing X factor types out and about. They have the looks and youth. We live in a world where youth is an asset. Especially if you have the looks to go with it, life is so much easier.

About 10 or so years ago I was reading American research on looks and success and the results was amazing. The bottom line, there was a correlation between the way a person looked and their success.

My experience as an employee backed the research I read. Good looking women in the office were favoured by managers and other employees. They generally had their way.

We humans are an odd lot. I saw some rare pictures of myself taken when I was in my late twenties. At that age, I did not think much of the way I looked. Today, I think I looked great. I want to look like that again.

So where does this leave me today. I am not happy with myself. My business is my drug. Is it enough? No. All I can do so keep taking my drug (it gives me such a high) and think of ways that I can enjoy life. I will not get some important aspects that I want in my life. That phase left the station years ago.

Readers I do not want to read up lifting/motivational comments. I can write a book on all this. Here is an apt one for this blog – “I just want you to listen. Don’t try and fix me.” Neither do I want to hear chin up or variants to this.